I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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