I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Are you also wondering how we get home after the party bus?
Home?
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
