I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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