How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Crying in Target on a display sofa is normal, right? Asking for a friend.
I miss my innocence.
I miss being able to say, "I've never done this before."
Randomize
