I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
he shaved USA in his pubs
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
two words: eviction party
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
Randomize
