That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Update: just imagined being dirty talked to in an Irish brogue and I think my vagina became a sentient being.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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