the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
Where's Taylor bro?
Never mind found him under the sink
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I think I may have fully transcended this spectrum of life. I can see beams of light man. Down to the photons
What
The only downside is I can't stop skipping
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