hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
Thankfully US customs doesnt have a checkbox for bringing semen into the country because my hair would still be in CDC quarantine
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
he's so hot I'd consider breaking the whole, "till death do us part," agreement he's currently in
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
