Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Also managed to rip my pants and set myself on fire. And oddly enough I'm still not ready to ask for 2010 back.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
