So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
When he saw my tits he said "wow you should be proud.
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I mean that was the nicest way to be dumped by some one I wasn't dating.
Randomize
