She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I impressed him by taking off my panties without removing my pants.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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