when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Ketchup is God's man juice
Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
