Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Randomize
