My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
New life goal: Sex in a parking lot surrounded by a circle of fire.
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
Randomize
