I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
in a basement doing blow off a prince dvd next to a chick in a saddam mask
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
you're by far the better bro. your dick is more impressively sized, anyway
I hate that you know that from experience
I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
