I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
