You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
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