Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
Got to work this morning and thought... Did I really dance on that pole last night
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Dave is getting a lap dance to the venga boys
this is not a drill
Damn Instagram explore page. I am six months in to some girl I don't even know.
Randomize
