she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
