Wooohooo! I'm sitting in the car like a creep watching people walk in and out of Blush. Lots of happy people.
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
