I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
You dont lie about slip and slides
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
