I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
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