my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
i know i said i'd always be there for you, but i'm beginning to think that what you call "being there for me" the american judicial system calls reckless endangerment.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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