I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
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