Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents
I'm down.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
You tried to impress her by kicking the 5th floor button in the elevator, but you ended up kicking everything from 3 to 11. Then you said, "pretty accurate, huh ladies?"
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I might volunteer to give breath samples on the 17th where I would be required to get drunk and then give samples! THE POLICE WOULD PAY ME AND PROVIDE THE ALCOHOL!
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
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