it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
