my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Then that is decided. Fuck away my little bunny rabbit.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
