Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
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