so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
Randomize
