just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
You were naked with a chalice of Skittles vodka, singing along to Les Miserables.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
