Your face is a jimmy john
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
when does it stop being whiskey dick and start just being me bad in bed?
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Randomize
