Played the LOTR drinking game last night. Ended up in boxers running thru the lot at ross's place screaming "for frodo"
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
You realized your blanket was a snuggie, spread your arms, and yelled "tonight I sleep like jesus!"
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
I think I'm taking after my dog, I just want to hump everything
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