If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
Okay. thanks for sacraficing your body and risking aids for our snowcone business.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Randomize