look no pants
dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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