You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
organizing the empties. That sober.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
just in the smoking shack with my sister cheering on a caterpillar make its cocoon
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
Randomize
