How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
THERE IS NOT ENOUGH CAPSLOCK IN THE HISTORY OF THE WORLD TO EXPRESS MY CURRENT STATE OF WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
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