You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Word. I want it involving like... sing-a-longs and sniffing glue.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Randomize
