And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
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