i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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