I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Definitely just puked in this corn maze. Families are staring.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
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