If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.
it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
FYI the blow job was for papa johns pizza
I regret 8000% nothing
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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