what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He somehow pantsed the bouncer and tipped him over before cartwheeling and skipping away? Help me find him.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
