I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Sorry my hands just texted you
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
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