i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
did i send you the picture of me smiling with the magnum wrapper?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
His penis looked like how I would imagine Satan's pinky finger.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
