i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
