Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Don't get mad but There's blood everywhere and the only thing I remember is the bj from your cousin.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Randomize