In Vegas, have spent the last 48 hours wearing a viking helmet and fanny pack. I consider this to be a career high since drinking is my career
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
Put viagra in his coffee. I did that with Geoff last month and three hours later I had bitten through a throw pillow and gotten a noise complaint from a neighbor
Randomize
