please tell me if i'm home and in my bed
negative
come find me please
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
