The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
