My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
