These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
