the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
Randomize
