Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
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