Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I feel like my vagina stays drunk longer than the rest of me. It's always super sensitive and hungry the day after drinking.
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Nothing says "back to school" like walking in the first day with a hangover
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Randomize
