cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
No shame. Just smoked a bowl with a Norwegian. Feels like something to cross off a list.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
