I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Randomize
