Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
right. well i dont plan on getting laid till i find a respectable girl that i can make unrespectable
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Legal advice please. Can you sue someone for jerking off to photos of you?
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
Randomize
