I definitely just put my boxers on backwards.
haha now u have to piss out ur bum
one day john is going to snap and they are going to make a new show called "john and chainsaw minus 9"
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
