I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I’m ready to be reckless and make stupid decisions, and I need you to support me in that.
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