thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
