She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
I straight up told your dad I've slept with a majority of your family
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize