Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
so he must've not known that your lastname is Came because everytime someone would say your name he would scream "NO SHE DIDNT" to the whole party. He must've not been too good then either.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
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