Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
Randomize
