Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
