I'm so fucking centered right now
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I've literally never felt worse
My body feels like its decomposing
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
Happy hour crawl turned into power happy hour turned into tequila shots turned into I'm drunk in class on Cinco de Mayo at 7 am.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
