we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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